Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Here I sit, another night alone. Why is it that where I am in life never seems to be enough? Discontent is in fact, the integral core of my being. Am I happy??? Yes...Yes, it is nice to have my best friend here to help share (if you want to call it that) the heavy burden of raising a family and surviving in this materialistic society in which we have created. Yes, I have great kids who are ever evolving, making me proud and reminding me of how truly magnificent innocence is. Yes, My family and I are lucky enough to have good health. Yes, to many things...My glass is definitely half full. I am nothing but grateful and humbled by the many good fortunes I have stumbled upon. So what is it then? Why is it not enough. Why am I always in pursuit of more? Reckless abandonment, pure, innocent, heart pounding, hand trembling passion, lust. It is the most intoxicating, addicting ever elusive feeling that happens when you meet that someone who renders you speechless, locks eyes with you and you know...you know that very moment what the other is thinking. You long to feel their touch, intrinsically remember their smell, their taste. It is not love, it is lust, passion, being drawn to someone by the pure instinctive forces that be. Not knowing why or how. Just knowing it is there, ever present, no matter how hard we try to ignore it. That is what I long for. That is the rare treat the universe keeps hidden just out of sight...Close enough to feel but not actually touch. As I sit here alone, my husband hundreds of miles away, I once again convince myself this is as good as it gets for me. My most prized possessions are the thoughts and feelings which until now, have never seen the light of day. These words that I write are me, the real me. No fear of judgment or rejection. The unedited, uncensored version of me. Anonymity is a beautiful thing! For now, I will resort to this blog as a means of sanity. A way to vent my frustrations and desires without the fear of persecution. Maybe, "if I get it all out on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to" (as the song goes). I am angry that my husband is "not an affectionate person". I'm angry that all that I give is not enough. I'm lonely, and attention starved. I want to make love and feel that unspoken closeness. I want someone to be concerned about me, think of me not as a chore or an item that needs to be completed. But, rather as something to be looked forward to, desired and wanted, cherished and adored. Something he can't get enough of. Is that possible? Does it exist? I don't think so. Fuck I'm lost inside...what is wrong with me? I feel like I'm fatally flawed, damaged goods. BLAH..
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Whelp...what can I say? New to this but I'm excited about the possibility of an outlet:) I have much rattlin around in this head of mine. Hmmm, to start I think I'll tell ya alittle bout me.... Married (twice), work full time, Brutally honest, silly, outgoing, passionate, spontaneous, friendly, like to smile, love to laugh, uninhibited, happy drunk, rainy days are my favorite, I feel most at peace in cemeteries (where I go when I'm sad...don't ask?), enjoy anything outdoors, campin, fishin, hikin, ridin drit bikes & quads (been ridin since I was 3), backyard BBQ's, MUSIC (I like all kinds) & dancin, making people laugh, natural remedies, people with hidden depth, random acts of thoughtfulness, I can seem shy/quiet if i don't know you (wouldn't want to scare you w/the real me!) most at ease with "real" people, U know, people who tell it like it is, work hard for their money, play harder, enjoy every moment for what it is, think marriage is an unrealistic approach to happiness, think love is a transient state, think a perfectly timed orgasm is as close to bliss as one can get, sex is a spiritual experience, tend to follow my heart instead of my head, talk more to myself, in my head, than I would speak to another soul, think smart equals sexy, confidence is a turn on (not to be confused with arrogance), addicted to ranch sunflower seeds and SKITTLES. Have an extremely short attention span and am easily distracted. My lack of impulse control tends to get me in trouble:) Wow...that's one hellofa run on sentence! Hope you enjoy, more to come...