Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Here I sit, another night alone. Why is it that where I am in life never seems to be enough? Discontent is in fact, the integral core of my being. Am I happy??? Yes...Yes, it is nice to have my best friend here to help share (if you want to call it that) the heavy burden of raising a family and surviving in this materialistic society in which we have created. Yes, I have great kids who are ever evolving, making me proud and reminding me of how truly magnificent innocence is. Yes, My family and I are lucky enough to have good health. Yes, to many things...My glass is definitely half full. I am nothing but grateful and humbled by the many good fortunes I have stumbled upon. So what is it then? Why is it not enough. Why am I always in pursuit of more? Reckless abandonment, pure, innocent, heart pounding, hand trembling passion, lust. It is the most intoxicating, addicting ever elusive feeling that happens when you meet that someone who renders you speechless, locks eyes with you and you know...you know that very moment what the other is thinking. You long to feel their touch, intrinsically remember their smell, their taste. It is not love, it is lust, passion, being drawn to someone by the pure instinctive forces that be. Not knowing why or how. Just knowing it is there, ever present, no matter how hard we try to ignore it. That is what I long for. That is the rare treat the universe keeps hidden just out of sight...Close enough to feel but not actually touch. As I sit here alone, my husband hundreds of miles away, I once again convince myself this is as good as it gets for me. My most prized possessions are the thoughts and feelings which until now, have never seen the light of day. These words that I write are me, the real me. No fear of judgment or rejection. The unedited, uncensored version of me. Anonymity is a beautiful thing! For now, I will resort to this blog as a means of sanity. A way to vent my frustrations and desires without the fear of persecution. Maybe, "if I get it all out on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to" (as the song goes). I am angry that my husband is "not an affectionate person". I'm angry that all that I give is not enough. I'm lonely, and attention starved. I want to make love and feel that unspoken closeness. I want someone to be concerned about me, think of me not as a chore or an item that needs to be completed. But, rather as something to be looked forward to, desired and wanted, cherished and adored. Something he can't get enough of. Is that possible? Does it exist? I don't think so. Fuck I'm lost inside...what is wrong with me? I feel like I'm fatally flawed, damaged goods. BLAH..